Home Sweet Home…

But for who? I don’t feel like this house is a home any more.

I don’t feel like I want to be here any more.

But it doesn’t matter. Because apparently I don’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter. Because apparently I am not the one in crisis. Apparently I always make everything about me, when it’s my step daughter who is in crisis. She is in charge. With her illness. Her actions. Her lies and deceptions. She calls the shots.

And my home doesn’t feel like home any more.

Doesn’t feel safe any more.

It’s the place where I am too scared to ask her little sisters to wake her up, just in case she took an overdose and is lying dead in her bed. Or they find her in a pool of blood from self harming too much.

But none of this matters. Because it’s all about my step daughter. It’s all about anorexia.

“Maybe you should use this opportunity to sit down and go over the ground rules again.” they say. Problem is: She KNOWS the ground rules, she just breaks them anyway. Goes through my stuff. Tries to break into the safe to get access to painkillers. When confronted she says “Oh but I can’t help it when I feel like that.” – And so I need to live with it. Every day. Living back in a house with someone I can’t trust.

And I hate it.

I used to love this place. This was my safe space. The first time I felt at home. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer four months after we moved here – it was always my safe space. All through treatment. Through chemo. Through feeling as sick as a dog, through losing my hair, through losing the skin under my feet, through my finger and toe nails falling off. This space always felt like my safe space. And it doesn’t any more.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

Because I, apparently and clearly, don’t matter.

How I feel doesn’t matter…

There you are – made this all about me again. Now I feel bad, because I think I somehow need to be bigger than this. But I am hurting. A lot. Want to drink until I don’t care any more. But can’t drink until I don’t care any more, because I am responsible for other children. Their safety. Especially my narcoleptic son with his powerful and dangerous medication.

I’m out of words….

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Home Sweet Home…

  1. You DO matter and that home is as much yours as it is the rest of the family’s. It must be so hard to feel as if everyone’s needs come before you.

    Yes, your step daughter is using her illness as an excuse and no, it’s not okay or something you should have to accept. It’s not her fault either so it must feel like it never lands anywhere…just floats around and you just have to sit there and suffer through it all.

    Can you make yourself a space in your house? Even a tiny room that is yours only. Somewhere you can sit and blog or journal; read or just sit and reflect. A place where you can lock the door and hide away from the turmoil for a while when you need it? Because you DO need it or you’re going to end up falling apart. You can’t fix all the problems, you can only help, but when the problems are running the show, as in the case of your girl…nothing ever gets fixed. (I’m so sorry – I wish I could invite you over for the weekend just to not have to be the one to do all of this and spend a tiny amount of love and time on yourself. You need it too. None of this is your fault….you know that right?

    (Also – this blog is your space to say the things you might not want to say to anyone else out loud. Complain, worry, cry, just write how you feel and don’t feel guilty about making it about you. It IS about you. You and everyone in your family, but somehow, you seem to be forgotten, even by yourself.)

    Apologies for the novel-length comments here. I really wish I could do more, but it helped me tremendously, having some blog friends who I knew stood behind me and cared when I was hurting. xx Please try to do one thing that is JUST for you today? Even a tiny thing can help. (Sending hugs your way) – Grainne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are such a beautiful ray of sunshine Grainne, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Something extraordinary just happened, which I have tried to quickly put in words in my new blog post, and I felt instantly calm again. The situation hasn’t changed, but everything in me has changed. And yes, I DO know that I matter. A lot actually as it happens, and I feel a bit embarrassed that I said all those things I said there, but that’s how I felt just then. YOU are a star, and I thank you for taking the time to respond. Big hugs. xxx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s