Up and lost at 1:38am…

So I was on my way to bed (midnight-ish), when I heard my son make a strange sound. He is narcoleptic with severe cataplexy, and on a night-time medication called ‘Xyrem’ (a very dangerous, controlled sleep medication used in the treatment of narcolepsy). He MUST not have anything to eat for two hours before taking it, in case he is sick in his sleep and won’t wake up, due to the medication. He knows that. He has been told that. He knows the danger and the potential consequences. He knows he could die. His father died suddenly when he was only three, so he well and truly understands the meaning of death…

So I hear him make a strange sound, and I walk in to check on him. He’s up. (He shouldn’t be – he should be lying down, and shout for help if he needs up for any reason while this medication is still in his system.) I ask him if he’s okay. He says yes (seems slightly disoriented), and says he felt ‘restricted’. He is wearing a back brace for scoliosis (curvature of the spine), so I help him out of it. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot something on his bed sheet. At first glance I thought he had been a little sick, so I switch on the light to see what happened. It’s not sick. It’s a mini egg. Squashed. Chocolate everywhere. That was NOT there when I gave him his medication at 10:45pm. Once more, I caught him not only eating after having his medication, but lying about it. We have done this SOOOOOOOO many times before, it’s not funny. I am furious. I don’t know what to do. I get he has a hard time with everything going on, but I am sooooooooooo tired of his CONSTANT negativity. It’s ALWAYS ‘nothing good ever happens to me’, ‘do you know what really annoyed me today?’, ‘this really horrible thing happened today’ and so on. When I ask him to tell me ONE good thing that happened today, it’s always the same answer: ‘I can’t think of anything.’ or ‘Nothing good ever happens to me.’

I am SO tired of him feeling sorry for himself!

When will I learn that I CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE HELP THEMSELVES?!… It’s not just him with his issues, it’s also my stepdaughter with her anorexia. This CONSTANT pretence, lying and feeling sorry for themselves, the constant jealousy, the constant ‘poor little me’ drama…. I am so bored of it, and I don’t know what to do. Don’t know how to help. But I am losing myself trying. Losing myself trying to fix them. When I know that I can’t. But I keep trying… WHY????

So here I am, 1:48am, drinking beer, typing, ranting, listening to the dogs snoring, only to wake up again tomorrow, trying my best again.

Will it really make a difference?

Does it really matter?

I don’t want to give up. I won’t give up. But I can’t MAKE people better. Can’t MAKE them make the right choices. Can’t TALK them into being more positive….

So what CAN I do?

Look after myself?

How?????

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